January 12, 2010
Is My Cheating Husband Truly Sorry?
Muhammad Furqan asked:
By Katie Lersch
I often receive emails from wives who are dealing with the aftermath of an affair. One of the more common questions that I get is "how do I know that my husband is truly sorry about the affair or is just sorry that he's been caught?" The answer to this is going to depend upon the circumstances (and whether this has happened before), but I find that men who are truly sorry exhibit several common behaviors. I'll outline them below.
He's Cut Off All Contact With The Other Woman: A man who is truly remorseful will want to remove anything that would continue to cause his wife pain, including the other woman. A husband who wants to make his marriage work will immediately cut this other person out of his life - even if that means changing jobs or making sacrifices. Now, I know that in today's economy this is not always possible. But, your husband can always ask for a transfer or to begin working more in another department. At the very least, he should make clear to her that whatever was between them is completely over and he's completely committed to making his marriage work.
He Has No Secrets: A husband who is sincerely sorry about the affair and who wants to make his marriage work understands that his wife is going to have doubts. He's proven by his actions that she has reason to doubt him and he's not going to take it as a personal attack or make a huge deal out of it if she wants to read his email or check his cell phone records. No, he's going to willingly hand these things over to her because he wants to give her the peace of mind that he knows she needs and deserves.
He's Willing To Do Whatever Is Necessary To Fix The Damage That The Affair Has Caused: Working through an affair is difficult, sometimes painful work. Men often don't like talking about their feelings or being honest about their actions, but that is actually what your husband must do right now. And, he's willing to step up the plate with accountability and determination. He doesn't question why you need the things that you do and he's willing to offer you reassurance, accountability, and communication for as long as it takes for you to heal. He knows that this is a small price to pay to save his marriage.
He Takes Full Responsibility For The Affair: Every one knows that there are contributors to affairs. Often, there are places where the marriage was vulnerable and you are both to blame for that. But, your husband doesn't blame anyone but himself. He knows that even if things were off, there were so many other actions he could have taken. He could have communicated with you. He could have gotten counseling. This is not how it turned out though. Instead, he made the choice to cheat. He may wish with every fiber in his being that he could take this back, but he can't. So, the best that he can do is to take full responsibility for his actions and realize that most of the responsibility for fixing things falls on his shoulders.
He's Committed To Making The Marriage Better Than Before: I used to think that my counselor was crazy when she told me that she sees many marriages actually improve after infidelity. But now, I know this to be absolutely true. Once this is out of the bag and worked through, people no longer take each other for granted and they learn much more effective communication and intimacy. Husbands who are really serious about seeing this through understand that you must create something fresh, new and better that you can both get behind.
What Statistics Tell Us About Cheating And Remorse: With that said, many women tell me that their husband's aren't showing the behaviors that I've described above. This doesn't necessarily mean that your husband isn't truly sorry. It's very common for it to take a while for men to get to this place. First, they'll try to downplay things in the hopes that the less they allow you to talk about it or dwell on it, the quicker that it will go away. Some men are also reluctant to show this kind of weakness and vulnerability.
There is a well known infertility study which indicates that over 85% of men deeply regret and are sorry about their infidelity. In truth, they often never meant to hurt you and, at the time, they were quite confident that you wouldn't find out. They're often able to justify this by thinking that you'll never be hurt and they will carry on like nothing is amiss. I'm not saying this thinking isn't deplorable, but they're often able to compartmentalize their deep love for their wives and the actions that they're able to separate from their marriage.
I know that working through the aftermath of an affair is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/By Katie Lersch
How To Tell If Your Boyfriend Is Cheating
By Katie Lersch
I often receive emails from wives who are dealing with the aftermath of an affair. One of the more common questions that I get is "how do I know that my husband is truly sorry about the affair or is just sorry that he's been caught?" The answer to this is going to depend upon the circumstances (and whether this has happened before), but I find that men who are truly sorry exhibit several common behaviors. I'll outline them below.
He's Cut Off All Contact With The Other Woman: A man who is truly remorseful will want to remove anything that would continue to cause his wife pain, including the other woman. A husband who wants to make his marriage work will immediately cut this other person out of his life - even if that means changing jobs or making sacrifices. Now, I know that in today's economy this is not always possible. But, your husband can always ask for a transfer or to begin working more in another department. At the very least, he should make clear to her that whatever was between them is completely over and he's completely committed to making his marriage work.
He Has No Secrets: A husband who is sincerely sorry about the affair and who wants to make his marriage work understands that his wife is going to have doubts. He's proven by his actions that she has reason to doubt him and he's not going to take it as a personal attack or make a huge deal out of it if she wants to read his email or check his cell phone records. No, he's going to willingly hand these things over to her because he wants to give her the peace of mind that he knows she needs and deserves.
He's Willing To Do Whatever Is Necessary To Fix The Damage That The Affair Has Caused: Working through an affair is difficult, sometimes painful work. Men often don't like talking about their feelings or being honest about their actions, but that is actually what your husband must do right now. And, he's willing to step up the plate with accountability and determination. He doesn't question why you need the things that you do and he's willing to offer you reassurance, accountability, and communication for as long as it takes for you to heal. He knows that this is a small price to pay to save his marriage.
He Takes Full Responsibility For The Affair: Every one knows that there are contributors to affairs. Often, there are places where the marriage was vulnerable and you are both to blame for that. But, your husband doesn't blame anyone but himself. He knows that even if things were off, there were so many other actions he could have taken. He could have communicated with you. He could have gotten counseling. This is not how it turned out though. Instead, he made the choice to cheat. He may wish with every fiber in his being that he could take this back, but he can't. So, the best that he can do is to take full responsibility for his actions and realize that most of the responsibility for fixing things falls on his shoulders.
He's Committed To Making The Marriage Better Than Before: I used to think that my counselor was crazy when she told me that she sees many marriages actually improve after infidelity. But now, I know this to be absolutely true. Once this is out of the bag and worked through, people no longer take each other for granted and they learn much more effective communication and intimacy. Husbands who are really serious about seeing this through understand that you must create something fresh, new and better that you can both get behind.
What Statistics Tell Us About Cheating And Remorse: With that said, many women tell me that their husband's aren't showing the behaviors that I've described above. This doesn't necessarily mean that your husband isn't truly sorry. It's very common for it to take a while for men to get to this place. First, they'll try to downplay things in the hopes that the less they allow you to talk about it or dwell on it, the quicker that it will go away. Some men are also reluctant to show this kind of weakness and vulnerability.
There is a well known infertility study which indicates that over 85% of men deeply regret and are sorry about their infidelity. In truth, they often never meant to hurt you and, at the time, they were quite confident that you wouldn't find out. They're often able to justify this by thinking that you'll never be hurt and they will carry on like nothing is amiss. I'm not saying this thinking isn't deplorable, but they're often able to compartmentalize their deep love for their wives and the actions that they're able to separate from their marriage.
I know that working through the aftermath of an affair is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/By Katie Lersch
How To Tell If Your Boyfriend Is Cheating
Filed under Relationships by Steve757
